the bats are pooping
by closedofHeart
Summary: Sealing a bijuu takes alot of effort especially if you're stuck in a cave with bats. Had to tone down the swearing but its still funny. Akatsuki vs nature. Mainly Hidan vs nature. But contains other members.
1. the bats are pooping

If i own bleach, i'll make sure Akatsuki are the main charactors..but i don't.

Naruto and and its charactors belong to Kishimoto.

Yes i know Itachi, Konan and Pein don't have any dialouge here. They never talk when sealing the bijuu anyway...

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"We have one more day left to seal the bijuu," the leader (pein) ordered, "now concentrate."

Hidan grumbled, "this is the most boring part after the capture."

"Shut up," Kakuzu retorted, "this is our job, now get used to it." Closing his eyes the mask man concentrated on his chakra and ighnoring Hidan.

Hidan grumbled a bit more and was just about to go back into focusing his chakra when…SPLAT!

"Oi What the ," Hidan cursed as something wet fell on his shoulders, the leader shot Hidan a warning glare.

"What's the problem now god-boy hmm?" Deidara mocked, he was irritated at being disrupted from his concentration.

Hidan sniffed, his nose twitched, "it better not be…"

SPLAT! Something wet was falling onto the giant statue. "Is it raining?" Tobi asked looking up in curiosity.

"We're in a cave Tobi," Kisame answered, "besides it doesn't looked like rain. Zetsu what's the weather outside?"

"Dry..." Zetsu said.

"Concentrate," the leader ordered.

SPLATTER! Now something wet had fallen on the finger that Deidara was standing on. "Oh shit," Deidara yelped almost falling off in an attempt to backtrack a safe distance.

Hidan immediately started to go berserk, "IT IS SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS SHIT DOING HERE?!"

"Hidan don't be dumber than you already are," Kakuzu sighed, "there is no way shit could coming flying down on your head in a cave, unless…oh shit…"

"What do you mean? Unless.." Deidara's eyes suddenly when wide on his hologram face, "oh…"

"Can you three stop swearing and tell me what the hell is going on?!" Kisame demanded.

"Were there any bats in this cave when you came here Kakuzu san?" Tobi asked.

"There were but I placed wards to prevent bats from living in here," Kakuzu said unable to hide the anger in his voice, "HIDAAAAAANN!!!!!"

"Oh sure blame me," Hidan said sarcastically, "weren't you the one who was too cheap to buy proper warding talismans in the first place?" SPLAT! SPLAT! Two fell in succession on Hidan's head.

"You know maybe someone's telling you something, Hidan?" Deidara suggested brightly before one fell where Deidara's head was supposed to be, SPLAT! "#$#$&& hmm!!!" Deidara cursed enough to put most dockhand workers to shame.

"Hey hey language," Kisame said, "we're around kids you know."

"Tobi is a good boy," Tobi said brightly, then a succession of bat's dropping started falling everywhere.

"You know…(SPLAT!)yuck!…Someone or something is definitely trying to tell us something hmm," Deidara said in disgust.

"QUIET!!!!!" leader yelled, "concentrate and stop thinking about shit."

"Easy for you to say," Hidan grumbled, "ypu're not the one standing in a bat infested cave trying not to move from a (SPLAT!)…oh #$#"

"Looks like the bat's are aiming for Hidan's head," Kisame snickered.

"Hidan stop your whining," Kakuzu ordered, "you see me complaining? I'm stuck in the same cave with you!!"

"Why you…" Hidan was about to retort when bat poop fell directly on Kakuzu's head.

The cave went silent. Then…

"Kakuzu san don't lose you temper!!!" Tobi yelped as Kakuzu's skin turned color, "remember your blood pressure, think good happy thoughts, think of…killing Hidan!"

"Hey!!" Hidan protested.

"BE QUIET AND YOU JOB!!!!!" leader ordered. SPLAT! Bat guano had fallen directly on leader's head, "concentrate **NOW**."

No one was willing to argue with him. At least until the bijuu was sealed.

Final score: Bats 1 Akatsuki 0

End

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Extra:

"Clean this up you two," the leader ordered before disappearing.

"WHAT?!" Hidan demanded as he stared at the enormous statue, SPLAT! he noticed Kakuzu had gained another one on his mask, "oh Sh--"

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I'm evil. Review please?

Dedicated to sepritex and the Almighty Black Death for reading my stories and giving reviews.

Thank you all who favourited, alerted and commented on my stories as well.

My god i'm really turning emo 0


	2. the birds are pooping

I don't own naruto. Seriously...

Continuation of the bats are pooping.

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Hidan stepped back to admire his handiwork, he had to clean the damn sealing statue in the open because of the stupid bats. Right now Kakuzu was placing new wards in the cave, so Hidan was stuck with cleaning duty, why?

"Because I outrank you," Hidan mimic Kakuzu's raspy voice, "I have such a big stick up my #$# ass that I can't…"

"Finished already?" came a familiar voice.

Hidan winced, "yeah yeah, its clean you dunbass, look for yourself," Hidan did a 'behold you heathens' pose' both hands raised up at the statue.

Kakuzu inspected it until he was satisfied, "that's very good did you do" cleaning work before you joined Akatsuki?"

" no #$# way," Hidan said too much in a good mood over his finished work to retort too much.

"That's good," Kakuzu said forming several seals, "let's call the leader over to report that we're done.

"Hurry up I'm # hungry," Hidan moaned, hours of intense labour involving solidified bat poop can do that to someone, his stomach growled.

The leader appeared, "well?"

"We're done," Kakuzu said ignoring Hidan's roar of protest. "You didn't do a #$#$ thing Kakuzu!"

"I had to do all the ward from scratch you pansy now quit whining," Kakuzu sighed.

"Whining? I did all the hard work," Hidan injected, "Look at the godamn statue, its clean enough to…" SPLAT! There was a big white one on the statue's face.

Leader(looking at the sky): a flock of birds…

Kakuzu: you were saying Hidan?

Hidan (twitching): COME DOWN HERE YOU STUPID BIRDS, I'M GOING TO $#$ …." Hidan jumps to the top of the statue trying to get at the birds waving his sycthe. The birds ignore him.

Leader signed, "Hidan has no luck with nature does he?"

"None at all," Kakuzu agreed, "I hope his bad luck doesn't spread to the others…"

Hidan:0 Random bird:1

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	3. i hate bugs

This will be an on and off thing, so I won't guarantee any updates for this flick, anything I think of or suggestions from reviewers will be here, enjoy!

See previous chapters for disclaimers. No bugs were harmed in the making of this flick.

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Deidara was not having a good day. Tobi made them lost chasing after the ever-illusive three tails, then they had to fight off a group of bounty hunters, and to make things worst they were travelling through a godforsaken swamp. Tired, hot, irritated (by Tobi) and desperately in need of a bath, Deidara finally snapped.

"Tobi," Deidara said an anger mark appearing on his head, it was them Deidara suddenly felt itchy.

"What senpai?" Tobi asked sounding disgustingly cheerful.

Deidara slapped his arm and scratched it vigorously, "damn it hmm," the artist murmured.

"Senpai?" Tobi asked stopping to allow the Iwa nin to catch up.

Deidara swatted with his hands, "irritating pest," Deidara said continuing to scratch his arms and parts of his face.

"Um senpai are you…itchy?" Tobi asked unintentionally causing the blond's anger to rise.

"No," Deidara said more to keep his pride than anything else, "shut up and keep going hmm." He was tempted to make mini bombs to bomb the hell out of these bugs if only he had sufficient chakra. But alas he didn't.

After enduring several maddening hours of intense itching, scratching, Deidara finally spoke a question that has been on his mind ever since they started trekking through this swamp.

"Tobi," Deidara asked scratching vigorously at his now raw arms, "why are you….unaffected hmm?"

Tobi did not reply straight away, as if considering how to answer the Iwa nin's question without getting blown up, in truth Tobi wanted to laugh in his senpai's face.

"….I used….." Tobi paused again, while Deidara swatted a huge bug that had landed on his face, "damnit hmm!"

"Insect repellent," Tobi said holding out a winkled tube of cream.

Deidara look at Tobi who looked back. There were times Deidara wanted to tear that mask off Tobi's face to see his expression and this was one of those times, but instead Deidara opted for reaction B, "give me that," Deidara said snatching it out of Tobi's hands.

Tobi waited a few more minutes enjoying Deidara's struggles to squeezed out anything out of the winkled tube.

"Tobi forgot to mention one thing senpai," Tobi said cheerfully ignoring the blond's look of rage, "Tobi used it up before we entered here so…."

"…..Tobi…."

"Yes senpai?"

"ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME HMM?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Arggh senpai I'm on fire!!!" Tobi yelped flapping about and diving into a swamp pit to put the fire out. Deidara just glared and decided to flew out of this swampy pit even if it meant loss of his remaining chakra.

Meanwhile…..

"KAKUZU!!!!" Hidan yelled at the masked nin who was walking at a leisurely stroll. Kakuzu ignored him. "SERIOUSLY KAKUZU WHY DO WE HAVE TO TAKE A DETOUR IN A GODDAMNED SWAMP?!"

"……."

"THERE's LIKE BUGS EVERWHERE ON ME!" Hidan shrieked getting more angry as his partner continued to ignore him, "AND WHY AREN'T YOU AFFECTED?"

Kakuzu responded by tossing his partner a winkled old tube. After enjoying a few minutes of blessed silence accompanied by Hidan's grunts at trying to extract even a tiny bit from the tube, Kakuzu then spoke, "its empty

The fight that began after the initial silence was brutal (for Hidan), and both of them reached an understanding. Kakuzu never really told Hidan that it was because of his iron skin jutsu, and Tobi never really told Deidara it was because he was all covered up including his hands, they both agreed their partners were idiots.

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Tobi 1 Deidara 0

Hidan 0 Kakuzu 1

Akatsuki 0 bugs 2 (Hidan/Deidara)

A big thanks to Rahab's Rehab.


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